Some friends and I in a public house
Was playing a game of chance one night
When into the room the barman ran
His face all a chalky white
"What's up", says Brown, "Have you seen a ghost
Or have you seen your Aunt Mariah?"
"Me Aunt Mariah be buggered!", says he
"The bleedin' pub's on fire!"

And there was Brown upside down
Lappin' up the whiskey on the floor
"Booze, booze!" The firemen cried
As they came knockin' on the door (clap clap)
Oh don't let 'em in till it's all drunk up
And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE!
And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk
When the Old Dun Cow caught fire

"Oh well," says Brown, "What a bit of luck
Everybody follow me
And it's down to the cellar
If the fire's not there
Then we'll have a grand old spree"
So we went on down after good old Brown
The booze we could not miss
And we hadn't been there ten minutes or more
Till we were all quite pissed

Then, Smith walked over to the port wine tub
And gave it just a few hard knocks (clap clap)
Started takin' off his pantaloons
Likewise his shoes and socks
"Hold on," says Brown, "that ain't allowed
Ya cannot do that thing here
Don't go washin' trotters in the port wine tub
When we got this Guinness beer"

Then there came from the old back door
The Vicar of the local church
And when he saw our drunken ways
He began to scream and curse
"Ah, you drunken sods! You heathen clods!
You've taken to a drunken spree!
You drank up all the Benedictine wine
And you didn't save a drop for me!"

And then there came a mighty crash
Half the bloody roof caved in
We were almost drowned in the firemen's hose
But still we were gonna stay
So we got some tacks and some old wet sacks
And we bunged ourselves inside
And we sat drinking the finest Rum
Till we were bleary-eyed

Later that night, when the fire was out
We came up from the cellar below
Our pub was burned, our booze was drunk
Our heads was hanging low
"Oh look", says Brown with a look quite queer
Seems something raised his ire
"Now we gotta get down to Murphy's Pub
It closes on the hour!"