I've been a drunk driver for many's the year
And I've spent all me money on whiskey 'n' beer
But now the law's changed, boys, they've made life a drag
By giving the Gardai the use of the bag

And it's no nay never, no nay never no more
Will I drive a Range Rover, no never no more!

There once was a time, boys, when life was so good
That a driver could drink all the porter he could
But now the law's changed, boys, so drivers beware
Don't drive out yer car if yer tanked up on beer

And it's no nay never, no nay never no more
Will I drive a Range Rover, no never no more!

One night I was going away home from here
After drinking the most of a barrel of beer
The eyesight was bad, 'cos the next thing I saw
Was a bloody great Escort, belonged to the Law

And it's no nay never, no nay never no more
Will I drive a Range Rover, no never no more!

They stopped me and asked me a question or two
And they said that they thought I was after a few
I said, "Ah, no, Sergeant, that cannot be so"
But he gave me the bag and he asked me to blow

And it's no nay never, no nay never no more
Will I drive a Range Rover, no never no more!

Well, I looked at the bag. Sure 'twas like a balloon
"Here's a bag-pipes," says he. "Won't ye play us a tune?"
I blew in the bag, and sure, what do ye think?
Them crystals they turned to a queer shade of pink!

And it's no nay never, no nay never no more
Will I drive a Range Rover, no never no more!

We went off to the station, a blood sample to get
There wasn't a doctor so they sent for a Vet
He couldn't be found, sure, and what could I do?
But to give 'em a sample of me how-do-ye-do!

And it's no nay never, no nay never no more
Will I drive a Range Rover, no never no more!

They threw me inside of a cell for the night
And they let me go home when it came to daylight
And now I am waiting for me case to come forth
When I meet face to face with the judge in his Court

And it's no nay never, no nay never no more
Will I drive a Range Rover, no never no more!